This is what comes from the heart, this is her blog, because my love is something else completely.
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
I feel like I have no outlet. No place to put my emotions and this used to be the place. The place I could put my emotions and my past and leave it alone and maybe people read that past and the feelings and experiences and learn from them but now I hardly write here at all.
And I hate myself and I don’t know why. I feel gross all the time and nothing ever changes that. I feel like when ever I get up from my seat someone might notice my grossness and see it where I have just left. And then I feel ashamed that I am so gross. No matter how many showers I take, no matter how long I bathe, no matter how much or how hard I scrub I feel gross. I could shower and two to three hours later I want to take another one. I don’t smell bad and you can’t see dirt on me, my clothes aren’t stained and yet I still feel so gross.
The worst part is I’m not sure why I feel gross and the needed urge to wash all the time. I feel like this could be OCD or more BiPolar or Anxiety or Social Phobia and I just don’t know where I stand when it comes to my mental state. I go to see someone but then I get anxious and I fear that I’ll end up more messed up. I feel like I’ll get taken advantage of again by a doctor who will accept social pressure over my mental stability. Then there is that hint that if I got through a major depression without help that I can keep going and fix myself. But I’m tired of picking up the pieces of myself over and over and over. It’s like one thing after the next hits me and I always loose. No matter how happy I may try to get or perceive to be something comes and goes completely wrong. I’m so used to things going wrong my life just waits for the thing that comes next. I can’t count the number of things that have gone wrong in the past years…. 7? years.
I need to write a book about my life yet I’m not sure how to do it. Maybe it will be a journal? Narrative? The amount of crap just doesn’t end and I am sure that I would have to change names and go by a fake name and hopefully it will be small enough that the right people are impacted but I don’t have a Wikipedia page. I wouldn’t tell my family I would just go about my business as it seems I have to do by now and if they find out that will be all.
It’s not to say that good things don’t happen either. But when so much bad has happened that I don’t understand and bewilder me it is hard to see all the good even as it happens to me. I am consumed by my past and I don’t know the steps or what steps I can take to move forward without feeling like this almost all the time. I am loosing myself to fear.
